Grief and Bereavement - What Can I Expect?

When you have experienced the loss of a loved one, you may be feeling your life has turned upside down...

You may feel like your heart is bleeding or ripped out of you...

You may have water pouring down your face... often...

Grief is the natural and normal response to loss.  You are behaving normally.  Even when others are directly and subtly telling you, "Don't Feel Bad." 

Some Brief Answers to the Long Questions about Grief and Bereavement

Q: How long does grief last?

A: There is no necessity to it being 3- 5 years like you may hear some places suggest to you.  Which is an agony to hear, is it not?  To be told, you will have to remain in emotional agony for 5 years with no hope for what to do concretely with your emotional pain. 

2 things.  First, everyone's relationship is unique.  Secondly, even though you can complete the emotional pain surrounding your grief and bereavement in the 12 week format of The Grief Recovery® Seminar, your relationship with your loved one continues.   The pain of your grief ends after you compete the process and then you are able to go on with your life in a new way.  Grief Recovery® enables you to have sad feelings come up periodically and to talk about those feelings, no matter how those around you react to your emotions.

Q: How do I stop all the crying?

A: Crying is normal and a natural and healthy part of grieving in your bereavement.  Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to cry.  At the same time, remember to breath and speak.  Often when we cry, the words we want to express get caught in our throats because we have been taught for years... "Don't Feel Bad..."  So we feel bad that we feel bad and don't feel safe to say aloud what we want to utter in our grief.   

Sip water to stay well-hydrated.  Use the super soft tissues.  And please allow yourself the permission to have emotions surrounding your grief.  Even when others are uncomfortable with it because they have not yet learned how to be with sad feelings - theirs and others.  We acknowledge and affirm your courage in staying open to your grief. 

Q: What do I do with all of his or her clothes and personal items?

A: Please be gentle with yourself.  Some grievers, their friends rushed in and scooped everything out and removed it, which can be an emotional shock to your system.  Don't rush to do it.  You may want to keep certain items as a comfort to yourself to wear - a sweatshirt or cap.  You may do this for a time... and later find you are willing and ready to release it to others.  And you may find you keep it for years.  Either one is ok, natural, and normal.  Over time, you may want to offer some of the items to your children, friends and other relatives.  Charities will also gladly accept them from you.

Some of the items, old magazine, books, and papers may have piled up over the years.  Still, please take your time. 

Do this in batches as you are emotionally comfortable in doing so.  Ask a friend or relative to come by and help you sort and bag and box things an hour or two at a time. 

Sometimes while going through the items, memories and stories of your loved one will pop up in your mind.  You may feel you want to share these.  You may find yourself tearing up a little... or a lot.  You may find you feel sad... and without tears.  Whatever your response, that is ok.  Sip water to stay well-hydrated and have some soft tissues around just to support yourself.

It helps to have a supportive and caring person there with you to hear the short story memories as you sort through the items and put them in bags to donate to charities and boxes to give to others.